The storm is on the loose

The weekend greets me once more and I sit on by bed well after the sun has set introspectively. I must figure out what I think of myself. So far, I have been nothing but unkind. I have held the whip for many years, bringing it crashing down over my back timelessly. I have become like clockwork. A machine of precision. I know all the right spots to strike that will inflict the most damage. However, all things must end when its time comes.

I have attempted to be kinder to myself. After all, I have questioned why I need to punish myself as I do, and no reasonable answer exists. Even though there is no reasonable answer, my brain has achieved equilibrium and any disturbance to that gets met with hostility. I have engaged in it for years, so why try to stop it all of a sudden? The mind is without a doubt marvellous and a pain from time to time.

If I am struggling, then I must ask exactly how I will affect these changes meaningfully. With that question in mind, I attempt viewing the situation from as much of a third person perspective as I can. Sometimes asking others how they view it produces the desired result. The idea is to get outside of my head as much as I can, which keeps me from getting caught up in all the emotions. When I am in a better place to view myself through a more objective perspective, helped through the perspectives of others, I can come to the realisation that my treatment toward myself is far too harsh.

It is not only what others say but also what I think that has brought me to this realisation. I also understand that my attitude toward myself is a beast that is very difficult to face alone. However, I know that what lays inside my mind is something that ultimately rests with me to face. It is I who must deliver the final blow to the beast, but before that even happens, I must first decide to face the beast. In such a decision, I truly believe that the fear is far greater toward starting the process than actually facing the beast. The reason I say that is that by facing the beast, one taps into their past, and what lay there is better left undisturbed the fear says, but if it remains that way, then it will continue to burden me for the foreseeable future. Thus, I must steel myself and start the process of change. I shall catch myself as much as possible when I decide to turn the cannons on myself. Even though it will prove difficult, I know it will be worth it in the end.

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