I can’t explain the way I feel

As the days pass, a mixture of feelings builds up inside me. I am unsure about what I am feeling or even what I should be feeling. I know it is a mixture of emotions I cannot put my finger on. Maybe I’m excited but soon abandon the thought upon some research. Apparently, excitement is not supposed to feel like this. Before I freak out, I must panic myself to calm down. As I await to pay the toll on the road to Planet Anxiety, doubt strikes me. What kind of doubt presents itself now? As far as my fantasy story dictates, the race of doubts was slayed by my hands. Clearly, I have not done my job to a good level of satisfaction, as doubts seem to be terrorizing the neighbourhood. As I try to swat away the doubts, I approach the toll gate and have to pay to start my journey to Planet Anxiety.

Look! It is not like I enjoy my stay there; it is just the journey I must make daily. Apparently, I signed up to travel here daily on the day I started to breathe on my own accord. As far as lifelong contracts go, there is no wriggling my way out of this one. There is only coping, and considering I am clueless about what that really is, I guess it is an option I forgone without knowing. Still, it could be worse, so everyone tells me, even myself. It must be true! After all, my anxiety lets me know daily it could be worse, and the imagery I cook up in my mind is so convincing that I have no choice but to believe it is true.

As I find my hotel room at Planet Anxiety, I begin to experience frustration. Even though I am working towards my goals, why do I believe everything will come undone before my eyes? I am sure these mixed feelings are not supposed to be on the account that I am doing what I want and are closer to achieving my dreams. However, when I gaze at the door, the sign poses a frightening question. What if these dreams are not what you want? I start to answer with absolute confidence, and that’s when the sign poses its proper question. What if you are not good enough to achieve your dreams? At this point, it is a showdown. It is emotion versus logic versus doubt versus confidence and everything else, including the kitchen sink.

With my mind ablaze, I must answer this damn question. I muster all my courage and answer – Well, if I do not try, then I will not know, but by trying, I will come to find out if I am good enough and if I am not good enough now, then I will work towards becoming good enough so I can achieve my dreams! The answer seems good enough for me, and my anxiety moves onto something else to bother me about.

I am unsure of all the other emotions I am experiencing, as it is hard to describe. Even though my feelings are troublesome to make sense of while I strive to achieve my goals, there is one thing I am sure about. That being getting to where I need to be to know what I will feel like when all is said and done. Regarding my anxieties, as much as I hate them and wish them gone, are the hounding dogs that chase me every day. I refuse to let them get in front of me, bringing my progress to a grinding halt; instead, I leave them behind me so that I develop a great anxiety over failing and never trying. That’s right! I fear failure and never try to achieve more than anything else!

I wish to say that no matter what combination of emotions course through me, I must keep progressing while I figure it out. I cannot allow my emotions to stop me dead in my tracks for too long because that is far worse than the emotions I have experienced up to now.

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