When I was 22, I decided to peek behind the curtains of the grandest show known to man. I thought I was an intelligent guy by looking behind these curtains. I thought I would have a look at what most people would never see throughout their entire life. I knew once I took my little peak, I would be a different person, but little did I know how much it would change me. Not only am I different, but I’m what you would describe as an anxious and nervous wreck. If ever I thought I experienced depression during primary and high school, it would flail in comparison to what I experience now in my adult life.
Do I wish to have not peeked behind the curtains? Not at all, because no matter how I look at it, the person I am will always lead me to do it eventually. Once I come to know that there is something that makes little sense, I do not know entirely or is shrouded in mystery, I have an immense desire within me to understand all I can about it. Knowing there is a truth I am yet to uncover drives me to dispel the lie and reveal the truth, but in the process of doing so, I find myself in a more uncertain position than previously. My anxiety, nervousness and depression only grow each time I uncover the truth (when I say the truth, I mean the thing that comes as close to the truth as possible, as we cannot know an absolute truth) behind what has been bothering me. It’s as if my mind cannot let me rest when it knows I do not know the complete truth of the matter within reach.
Each time I peek behind the curtain, I get a warm welcome from shock, surprise, disgust, despair, anxiety, panic and a bit of panic. I always ask myself why I had to peek behind those dastardly curtains because it’s unsettling beyond belief, after which I take a step back and retreat into my hobbies, which provide a good distraction. However, in no time flat, I return to peeking behind the curtains and seeing what lies further behind them, which begins my descent into the other world no one bothers to enter. Even though part of me does not want to know, the part of me that does always wins over the rest of my mind and body. It is the fearsomely strong desire to learn, and my will to knowledge remains the very reason I have the will to live. Without any of it, I wouldn’t have a reason to live.
Now, you can see just how precarious my situation is. The very human will that leads to a more unsettling reality is the will that motivates me to live, and this very will leads me to despise life because of what I uncover.
In the end, the truth is not for everyone. In fact, I would advise many to stay away from it, as it’s a struggle to live with it. If I had a choice between knowing and not knowing, I think I would prefer to be ignorant and live a happier life, or so I think, but in truth, even if that were a reality, I wouldn’t know how I would feel until I am in such a situation. So, it could be worse for me if I were ignorant, the same, or better, but that is not what it is, so I must accept what I have now.
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