I find myself at a party surrounded by many, and there is chaos in the air and distress in the heart. I sit there desiring for all this to come to its glorious end, but my will has no bearing on all external to me. I have control over myself, and the choice is with me whether I stay or not, but having arrived too early before everyone else means my car is held in place by the other cars – and my social anxiety will keep me from speaking up and asking others to move their vehicles. After all, I wish to avoid being the guy who loves inconveniencing others. So, I decided to sit there in my wreckage of nervousness and panic. Perhaps some distraction will help me, so I turn my thoughts to everything I would rather be doing than this, which doesn’t help me in my current situation.
Finally, I spy someone similar to me, who looks like they would rather be doing anything else, like fishing for keys in the toilet bowl. So, I make my approach and strike up a conversation. The feelings seem to be mutual between us. I express my desire to leave and never come to another party such as this. The other person laughs and reminds me that this party is a thing they call life, and you cannot just leave it when it’s most convenient for you. I protest in anger and make it clear that I do not wish to be partying with dread and its many horrible friends. I understand that I made the mistake of peering into that aspect of life I swore to avoid looking into, but I needed to know the true horrors that lurk below the surface. I cannot live with myself knowing there are horrors out there that I blind myself to. However, I cannot live with myself after learning what these horrors are. I struggle daily with feelings of dread, distress, fear, anger, sadness, and even more anxiety than I ever had in the past.
Many like me sit at these parties at the mercy of the douche-bags who organise them. Who are these douche-bags? They are many, you see. It is the people external to me and my own emotions, perceptions, and judgements of all that I see and think about. So, as much as I despise people who do wicked things as they do, I also hold myself in equal contempt. Why despise myself? Simple! It is because I am an observer and witness to all these horrors and yet feel powerless when thinking about changing any of them. How do I reach out to these people? I do not know where to begin answering this question or even how to answer it. Perhaps fear keeps me from answering the question and being moved to any action. I fear not only for myself but also for those I might be affecting through my meddling. The fear is one thing, but the shame is far greater. There is a shame in my actions and lack thereof. I feel alien to myself and my desire to do something good for myself and others because I feel like I betray this desire. My true self, to an extent, has been pushed to the background as if I were doing so to protect it from the possible harm it faces daily. However, this is unbecoming of me and my philosophy in life.
What is my philosophy? Are you curious? Perhaps not, as my ego might lead me to believe you have an interest in my foolish thoughts, but just in case you do, I shall fill you in on my philosophy. My philosophy is somewhat simple, but it is not for everyone. Perhaps it is for very few or no one at all. I am sure you would disagree with me or even protest and wonder why I would think such a thing or along the lines that I do, but it is how I feel. It stems from the idea that life is suffering and that we all must suffer for what we desire and want. Every goal/objective we have, we must suffer to achieve it because if we do not, then we cannot appreciate its genuine value. When we suffer for what we desire most, we can treasure it more when we have obtained it. It is only through suffering that we appreciate its authentic value; nay, it is only through suffering that we derive its proper value! This philosophy will not be for many, especially not for those who despise suffering. However, it is through our suffering that we can relate to the suffering of others. We can sympathise and empathise with others more when we have experienced a great deal of suffering ourselves. It is for this reason I keep attending these awful parties with dread and its many friends!
Loading ...